From the time we are become pregnant we are bombarded with comments and advice. First people comment on how we are carry – low, high, boy, girl, everyone has their own opinion, they all mean little – just something to say to notice the pregnancy. Then we have our babies and there is more – ” you’re feeding to often” , “you’re not feeding enough”, “let him cry”, “don’t let them cry… “. People are still saying things, most just to say them, some because of their bias or beliefs, a few because they read good materials based on evidence and research. The best advice for new parents is Listen to your Heart.
For most of humankind’s history there were no books, no videos, no Internet – parents just did what they watched others do and listened to their hearts and their babies. Granted some things that were done in the past were not good, there were superstitions and beliefs that meant death for babies that were not physically or otherwise perfect, babies killed because they were the wrong gender or born to the wrong person in the wrong circumstance. Now we have almost the opposite – babies are born to women who could never conceive on their own, babies with all kinds of physical challenges are saved by medical technology, pregnancy by single mothers that is not only accepted it is becoming more and more the norm, but I digress.
So although women have carried and slept with their babies in almost 24 hour contact through the first year of their life for most of human history, now we ask people “should I sleep with my baby” or “can I spoil my baby if I hold them to much”. We get answers about sleeping with our babies being dangerous and moms needing their freedom from their babies to do other things. Many of these questions are asked of ” supposed parenting professionals” like our pediatricians. I have sat in meetings with mothers where one after another new moms said “my pediatrician said to nurse the baby every two hours for 10 minutes on each side”, the next says “my pediatrician said to nurse only every hours and do 20 minutes on each side”, the next has her advice which is different still. Do any of these moms ask their pediatricians to site research? Do any of these moms ask their pediatricians how they can give the same advice to themselves and their next door neighbor whose baby is bigger and nurses quicker. My favorite frustrating thing that I’ve heard over and over again that pediatricians tell mothers is, “if you nurse your baby to sleep they will never learn to fall asleep on their own”. Now just picture the 4 year old child sitting up all night in bed because he has never learned how to fall asleep! Sleeping is a biological function, we don’t have to learn how to do it. Again, where is the research.
There are great sources of information for parenting out there, there are just as many bad ones. Again, trust your heart. Don’t take advice from anyone who offers you strict rules – babies and children don’t follow them any more then adults. When someone tells you how long your baby should nurse and how often, ask them if you can tell them exactly when they should eat every day and how long it should take – then ask your baby what is right for them.
A last thought on why professionals, neighbors and friends offer Rules for Parenting. When we have our babies our heart tells us to hold them and keep them close. Research tells us the same thing - when babies are kept skin to skin with their mothers they feed well and often, they wake for feedings and mothers rest better (check out this if you haven’t http://www.kangaroomothercare.com/). But from the moment our babies are born, or often before we start the interference – medications during birth, surgical births, seperating the baby and them mom for a check list of procedures, wrapping the baby up and taking them to the nursery in the hospital. Now we need rules because our bodies are confused, our babies are drugged and deprived of the sensory stimuli that tell them what to do to sustain their life so rules are given to make sure the baby is fed, make sure the mother gets some rest, etc., etc. How to we improve this situation? We first educate ourselves. Learn what is natural, normal and well researched and then work to achieve it, even if things are not the perfect we want try for the closest we can make them. Stick up for your rights and your baby’s rights – work for a natural birth, keep your baby with you and skin to skin as much as possible and Listen to Your Heart for the best answers.
